Candor

The life I have been dealt has not been the easiest thing, but it hasn't been as hard as many others'. From a privileged perspective, I feel cheated.

Almost eight and half years ago I lost my dad. No, I didn't lose him in the clothes section of Sears or something. He was taken from me by what I believed to be the Hand of God. Later in life I would still believe it was the Hand of God, but not the merciful God I formerly believed in. It became the hated Hand of God. I damned him in my mind and heart. I still believe there is no reason he was taken from me. It was a massive heart attack. Atherosclerosis, the doctors call it. Hardening of the arteries.

Tim Russert died today of a heart attack, but that's not what made me think of this.

The death of my father led me into a dark time in my life. For more than two years I was self-pitying at times. At others, I was a denier. I denied everything. The only thing I couldn't deny was the fact that my dad would never come home again. To this day it's hard for me to think about because I don't want to remember what I'm missing.

Two years after my dad died I began dating Alexa. Our sixth anniversary is tomorrow, but that's not why I'm writing this.

Alexa has done more for me than she can know. I never did drugs. I never drank alcohol. I was, however, seeing no end to the pain in my heart. I had no one to talk to. My family has never been much about hugging or emotional support. My family never turned a cold shoulder, either. We just don't operate the way many other people do.

Just over six years ago, I let my feelings about life, the unfairness and cruelty of it, out to Alexa. I can never make her realize just how important that night was for me. Not only did I grieve for the loss of my father, but I also grieved for my grandmother. She had passed the year before. Of course, it was my mother's mother.

My mom has not had an easy life. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997. She survived. I can't imagine life without her. Without her, my dad would surely have died sooner from the stress of raising four kids. My mom has shaped the way I look at life. The older I get, the more I see how alike we are. We deal with things in the same way; that is to say we cope and move on.

However, it is impossible to simply "move on" after the death of a parent, especially when that parent passes while you are still dependent on parents.

I will never feel completely healed (if you can call it that). I will forever miss my dad. Not only am I missing him, but he's missing out on me. I'm sure he would be proud of me. I've graduated college and am engaged to a wonderful woman. My life is shaping out to be a success and I just wish he could share in it. I never knew him as a man; I only knew him as the mythical creature that all parents are to adolescent kids. I knew he felt pain. I knew he felt joy. I did not, however, ever think he would die. Death before that experience was something that happened to other people, not me. I wish I had asked my dad more questions. I wish I could get to know him for who he was; his thoughts on politics, baseball, life in general. I'll never know.

I feel I've been cheated.

"When someone you love dies, and you're not expecting it, you don't lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time - the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes - when there's a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she's gone, forever - there comes another day, and another specifically missing part." - A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving

Whatever happened to objectivity?

Journalists are supposed to be fair and objective. Their job is to report on what happened or is happening through interviews and facts. What has happened to that ideal?

Twenty-four hour news networks and the internet, that's what.

I'm not saying that the internet is a bad thing. In fact, it's great for finding news from around the world. However, too much of it is based on opinion and speculation rather than fact.

The 24-hour news networks (i.e. CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, CNBC) have perverted this ideal beyond comprehension. To name a few of the culprits on these channels: Keith Olbermann (MSNBC), Contessa Brewer (MSNBC), Bill O'Reilly (Fox News) Anderson Cooper (CNN). Each of these anchors is either completely full of him/herself or are just completely stupid.

I'll start with Anderson Cooper. He has this perpetually concerned look on his face. No matter what he's talking about, it concerns him. Everything. Even when he's on magazine covers he's concerned. I can't stand it.

Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly are perversions of journalism for the same reasons. Olbermann's show claims to be about news and its analysis, but it seems more like demagoguery to me. His opinion reigns supreme. O'Reilly's show is all about him letting the world know about his off-color and often ridiculous views on everything. He brow-beats guests and tells them their opinion is wrong. There is no fair exchange of opinion when it comes to O'Reilly-time on FOX. (Which is funny because FOX News claims to be "fair and balanced.") Olbermann is a funny guy; if you agree with his opinion (which I often don't). Rather than intelligently pointing to opponents shortcomings and flaws in their arguments, he attacks their grammar and fashion. That kind of behavior should have no outlet on a channel that is supposedly about news. Olbermann's sophomoric antics fit well with the fraternity-style reporting of ESPN (where he originated), but they are ill-placed in the realm of politics.

Contessa Brewer is just plain stupid. She often sticks her foot in her mouth. She shouldn't be on TV. Her show is not about news; it's about entertainment. This clip shows not only her inability to deal with guests that say something unexpected, it's also about the fact that they were running a story about PARIS HILTON. There is only one channel she should be on: E! Entertainment. This is only OK because the entire channel is dedicated to trash like her.

If you see any of these people on TV, I advise you to switch the channel. Or, better yet, turn the TV off.

These "news" networks often don't even break news. The idea of 24-hour news networks is preposterous. How can anyone fill up an entire day, every day, with news. There is a lot going on in the world, but not that much. These news networks are out of hand.

I will probably have more to say about this at a later date.

Best-Selling Author

I have an ambition to become a best-selling author. It will either be novels (probably those books that cost $14.95 in the Literature section of Borders and Barnes and Noble) or children's books.

Some of you may be thinking that it would be odd for me to do children's books since I generally dislike kids. However true that may be, it doesn't mean I can't make money off of them. But if it's to be children's books I need my three other accomplices (you know who you are) to help me come up with story ideas, characters and illustrations.

Look for me on bookshelves and book signings. I may even be on the idiot box because I wrote a book that changed the course of human thought.

Quantum Leap is a good show.

Visions of Paradise

It rained last Friday and I had a visit from God.

Late in my sleep cycle I dreamt I was in church. As I sat in the second pew from the front a person sitting next to me got up and interrupted the Rector during his sermon pleading to be confirmed. This sent the devil into the Rector.

He didn't yell. He didn't scream. He simply went on a tirade.

The new (or what I assumed to be new) topic of the sermon was about Sunday religiosity. His complaint was that people only want to do the various church ceremonies when it's convenient. They do this to say they have a relationship with God and feel better about themselves.

This dream was a portent of things to come. As I sat in the back of the church on Sunday (wide awake), the sermon began.

You see, last week was the annual St. John's Tiger Outing. At the end of May every year the congregation goes to a Detroit Tigers baseball game. (This is easily done, seeing as how the church is about 100 yards from Comerica Park.) Each year the church is packed on this day. It's like a religious holiday (see: Easter, Christmas).

The Rector began his sermon by pointing this fact out. The church was noticeably empty this week. He seemed to know that people would be gone. The disappointment was evident in his voice. However, he did make the present worshipers feel special by saying we were invited to the party being thrown by God (a.k.a. church).

To quote Genesis: Jesus, He knows me.